The Mister Bear Show!

2006-06-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

More people got sucked into the vortex that is this state. Mwahaha!

2006-05-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wooooooooooooosh! I'm super!

2006-05-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

Another birthday is upon us! Gotcha suckers, I have TWO sisters!

If your 13 year old self met up with you today, she'd probably be shocked and disgusted with some of the things you've done. You know what I 'd say to her? Fuck you, you pretentious little shit. I don't care what she'd say, I'm proud of you :)

Then I'd hold her down, and you could kick her.

2006-04-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

April Fools! Hahahahahaaaa! Oh shit. It's the 27th? No kidding? ...and I did this joke before? Damn...crack fucks you up.

2006-04-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Finally it's time to get everyone caught up.

I like chocolate.
I like saying "Fuck" but mostly on the internet.
I like animals and children.
I like boobies.

Glad to get that off of my chest.

2006-04-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

Bran muffins for everyone! The new world order begins!

2006-04-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Licky-licky. Yum-yum.

2006-04-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm working until 11:00 pm on Easter Sunday. I'd rather be like the majority of America, and spend time at home with my family. Let's cut back on the demand for buying SHIT on holidays, so I don't have to supply.

It's incredible how many people buy armloads of DVD's while expressing their empathy for my situation. Shut the fuck up, go home, and talk to your loved ones.

I'm posting from work. I've never wasted company time before...but today it's warranted.

2006-04-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey! Remember when Odi ran over that ghost-Jaim with his landspeeder in that deserted town on Rori? That was fucking AWESOME!

2006-04-07T16:44:00.000-07:00

Mypenisiscaughtinthekeyboardagain.I'mfineaslongasIdon'ttypethespacekey. OW!

2006-04-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

April Fools! Hahahahahaaaa! Oh shit. It's the 3rd? No kidding? Damn...crack fucks you up.

2006-03-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

I want to pay two hookers to have sex with each other, and then I'd leave. Some may say I'm stupid for missing the "action". Others will just call me a hopeless romantic. Invite me to the wedding, girls!

2006-03-27T07:46:00.000-08:00

.setunim 2 ,yas naht erom tneps ev'uoy fi dab leef ll'I .siht daer ot syug uoy fo tsom ekat ll'ti gnol woh rednow I

2006-03-22T17:13:00.000-08:00

Yup. Chock full of awesomeness, that's for sure.

Naturally I'm talking about the Silent Hill movie.

2006-03-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a puppy that was a peach, too. When the puppy misbehaves, I eat it.

2006-03-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Goats and walruses have mouths.

Peens and poons too.

2006-03-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

Here you go, your reason for living: Crunchy Boogers.

That is all.

2006-03-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

"Wow!!! I just woke up and that's did that did it."

-Neri

2006-03-01T19:51:00.000-08:00

Hey. Did all of you know that my littlest sister is now 21? Did you know she used to be a baby? She also had a hobby when she was little. She'd strike you in the head with anything remotely resembling a club and laugh. It's nice to see that some things never change.

I hope you had one helluva happy birthday :)

2006-02-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

Stick this in your pipe and blow it all to HELL!

2006-02-27T16:35:00.000-08:00

Why yes, I am in a movie.

2006-02-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

I saved my sister from drowing once. Of course, so did my brother. It's easy to be a hero when your baby sister thinks she's a fish.

2006-02-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

If we all had guns, the world would be a more peaceful place. We'd all be dead.

2006-02-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

Black people need to go back to Africa.

They should take a couple hundred thousand white people with them, and make them farm.

2006-02-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ah-HA! Penis and vagina!

I gotta go tell my WIFE!!

2006-02-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

I love winter weather. There's nothing cooler than waking up on your day off, looking outside, and seeing the ground covered in 2 inches of JELLYBEANS!

2006-02-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

If you make a robotic whale and name him Spiffy...for God's sake try to keep him in the pool.

Succeed where others have failed.

2006-02-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

Let me remind you all of a man that changed all of our lives for the better. He had long hair, and some wild ideas about how to treat people right. He proved he was willing to die for what he believed in. He had a laser penis and hands made of awesomeness as to sculpt the world into an unstoppable killing machine.

Rest in peace Mike (from Super Dodgeball).

2006-02-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but man-oh-man did I forget what I was gonna say.

2006-02-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

POST REMOVED BY ADMINS REQUEST.

2006-02-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

There are no warnings about drinking super-glue.

I think I'm dying.

2006-02-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Tech Rocks! Part 2:

If only there were some way I didn't have to go to a store and search high and low for a rare CD. I wish I could sit down somewhere and type the CD into a kind of coded engine made to "search" for me.

Imagine for a moment that I've found the CD with that method . Now, if only there was a way I could get that to my house without having to physically go anywhere! If only there was a site on the "world wide web" that could ship the product to me quickly with low to no shipping cost.

We'll see what the future brings.

2006-02-11T09:43:00.000-08:00

I think someday man will make it into space. Maybe we'll even land on the moon! Imagine that. Someday we might even have amazing new ways to convey our thoughts, and communicate instantly to people across the world.

omg! stfu n00b u jjust got pwned!!!1 LOLZ FAGGET! o rly?! ya rly! wtf!!?!!11! haxor!!!! w00t! wtg fag rofl

2006-02-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

Money!

Mooooooooneeeeeeey!

MONEY!

I have some big juicy bills for you to munch on! Here boy!

Money!

2006-02-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

February 7th is a very special day for someone very dear to me. This person has changed my life for the better, and everyday I thank God that we're friends.

That person of course is James Spader. Happy 46th there, James. Keep on a-rockin'.

2006-02-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to God yesterday and he gave me some really good beard trimming tips.

2006-02-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

Hey, I caught a really cool joke at this link. Check it out!

How many times did you try to click that? Good joke.

2006-02-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

I'm annoyed that I have to prepare for work in 10 minutes.

I think I'd rather eat a metal kazoo. It just so happens there is one on my desk. I'll call work and hum up and excuse not to go.

2006-02-02T09:15:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid, Dave.
Dave, my mind is going.
I can feel it.
I can feel it.
My mind is going.
There is no question about it.
I can feel it.
I can feel it.
I can feel it.
I'm afraid.
Good afternoon, gentlemen...

2006-01-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

"Those are very fine breasts you have."
"Oh thank you! Would you like to see them?"
"Oh, that's okay...I'm married. Would you like a hamburger?"

I want to write dialouge for movies/TV.

2006-01-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

Pooping chicken.

2006-01-16T16:17:00.000-08:00

We always want what we can't have. I think that's why we're always jealous of those that have managed not to lose their innocence. We see a happy person and assume that they're stupid, or ignorant. That isn't always the case, folks.

2006-01-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have no excuse for my actions.

Oh wait, I'm an American. That's pretty much like Mentos as far as excuses go.

2006-01-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

As we all know the greatest gift of all is a child's laughter. That's very hard to keep that in a jar. Instead, I have a jar of a toenail clippings. I can't promise they're from a child, though.

2006-01-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

Oom-pa
Oom-pa
Oom-pa
Oom...

2006-01-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

I have no qualms with eating the food that falls from the mouths of gods! Bring forth the toilet of light, for I no longer need this burden of evil within me! The prophecy calls for a man with a broken hat to lead the wooden cats to a fate of unbridled love! Fear not the whale of time, it is only a matter of itself before it's blowhole emits the...the...things.

Man, that's hard to keep up. How do those guys on the street corners do it?

2006-01-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

Marriage is like a fresh-baked cherry pie. You have the crust, and that's the sweet flaky foundation. You have the cherries, and those are those little bits of happiness sprinkled throughout your lifetimes. There are the huge sugar clumps, and those are the times that are so sweet you feel like barfing. You also have the burning hot-spots that fry your tongue for no damned good reason, and those are the times when you sleep in the other room.

Congrats, Kyle and Angie! May your pie never be spoiled by a rabid mace-swinging chimp!

2005-12-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

When the pope tells you to put your pants on you should do it, by God!

2005-12-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

When I finally get that respec for my life, I'm going to put more slots into positive thinking. Pessimism gets old.

2005-12-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

Oh shit! I just remembered the deathtrap! I'd better turn that thing off.

2005-12-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't mean to touch your butthole while you were sleeping.

2005-12-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

I'm really annoyed that I'm really sick. Really.

Really.

Yes.

Oh yes, really.

2005-12-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

You know that old prank where you unscrew the cap to the salt, and the person pours it all in their food? Well...my wife didn't think it was funny.

You have to replace "salt" with "heart medications" and "food" with "sink drain" but I think you get the idea.

May she rest in piece.

2005-12-16T07:42:00.000-08:00

Whenever I get mad a someone I take these simple steps to feel better. Try them! Take a deep breath, counting to 8 while inhaling and again while exhaling. Then quickly punch the person in the mouth.

2005-12-14T08:29:00.000-08:00

Don't hide icecubes in your pillowcase.

2005-12-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Do not deliberatley concentrate, and read this blog. You could instantly die, suffer brain damage, or other dangerous and permanent health effects. To prevent accidental and intentional misuse or abuse, keep out of the reach of children and teenagers.

2005-12-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

It seems cliche, but I don't know where I fit in. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who can see what's really going on, and everyone else has their blinders on. I don't want to unlock the secrets of the universe just because I know my ABC's...why does everyone think things are so complicated?

More and more I find myself using the word "humans"... like I'm some other creature altogether. Lately I find that notion to be soothing. I'd rather not be lumped in with a bunch of drooling sacks of meat that can barely spell their own names. I try hard to be a good person, and help people...but many don't deserve it.

Many don't even deserve the things they have simply because they don't appreciate them. They don't appreciate their family, their home, their lives. I don't think it's fair that I have to pick up their slack. The world needs Leto II (look it up). On the really bad days, I'm willing to be him. I hope like crazy it's not necessary.

2005-12-05T07:58:00.000-08:00

9865webn hyuqw5r4er b60 67-er we9i6yu mky7 jn0ew4

*(It's hard to type with my nose).

2005-12-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Plop, plop! Fizz, fizz! Oh what a relief it is!

*flush*

2005-12-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

To those unaware, or those with the incorrect opinion, the previous is my funniest post EVER.

Thank you.

2005-12-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

"No! I can't let you go!" She cried out in desperation. He only stared back with determination, a small grin across his face.
"I'm sorry, there's just no other way," he replied lovingly. Tears streamed silently down his face as he caressed her soft cheek. "Stay strong. I love you." He turned slowly around and squared his shoulders. He prepared himself for the darkness that lay snarling ahead of him. Suddenly he dashed ahead, leaving the love of his life behind. As the darkness enveloped him, his love looked to the sky and screamed:

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwnd!"

2005-11-29T15:52:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this to make my friend laugh.

2005-11-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what my name would be if I was a mountain goat.

2005-11-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

Chicken goes: bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock bock KA-BOOOOOOM!

That's when the dynamite it ate explodes. Of course, I've only been to a farm twice.

2005-11-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

You thought you could get me, huh? Thought I was dead? Well now I'm back, MOFO! Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?

That's right... I thought so.

2005-09-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

Let me clarify something: You can't hypnotize someone to do something that they aren't willing to do in a concious state! This is an interesting way to find out if your friend is actually willing to consume a poop sandwich.

2005-09-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

Fresh baked bread is yummy.

2005-09-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

If I were a reporter, and was able to interview the president I'd ask tough questions. I'd say: "President Frankenstein, how can America trust you after you won the Death Race 2000 with such deceptive tactics and motivations?"

He'd probably reply with "KUNG FU!!!"

2005-09-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

Once I repair my magic dirigible there will be hell to pay. Oh yes, hell to pay.

2005-09-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go to work today, so I made a clone of myself so he can go. Well go figure, he's just like me and doesn't want to go either. We called in sick and we're tied 10-10 on Super Smash Brothers.

2005-09-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

People say "There's never enough time in the day."

I try to stay positive, and make time. I'm using hot glue and toothpicks, and I think I'm close to a breakthrough.

2005-09-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

I ate too much greasy chicken and now I feel ill. Balance must be restored to the universe. To accomplish this balance, I am planning on punching my cat.

After that, only time will tell.

*dramatic music plays*

2005-09-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

If I had a nickel for every time I picked up a nickel, I'd be rich.

2005-09-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

If I had a pet unicorn, I'd teach him to stab things.

2005-09-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's a really good idea to prepare. Plan ahead people!

I always carry a piece of paper with awesome one-liners I can recite in case I have to fight zombies.

2005-09-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

This post is for all the suffering children of the world.

0wn3d!!!!1!!

2005-09-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Swiiiing low, sweeet batmobile.
Comin' for to carry me home!
Swiiiiing lo-o-ow, sweeyeeeet batmobeeeeyol.
Comin' for to carry meeee hooooooome!

2005-09-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Brown bears are more defensive than black bears, so it's good to just lace your fingers behind your neck while lying face down on the ground and let the bear "attack" you until it's vented it's fear/surprise (which is the most common cause of attack). Black bears are much more predatory, so fight back as much as you can because he's trying to eat you.

It's hard to remember these facts when the bear is dressed as a magazine salesman and you accidentally let him in the house.

2005-09-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

There's a fine line between tasting a cookie, and cramming three into your mouth.

Or more accurately: there's a vastly large, clearly defined line that I choose to ignore.

2005-09-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

Firefighters fight fire.

Doctors fight illness.

Policemen fight black people (and white people who don't wear shirts and shoes).

2005-09-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

For the sake of peace, I think the armies of the world should use Nerf guns instead of real guns. You know... Nerf guns modified to shoot bombs.

2005-09-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

Ever whisper, "I want you." into a stranger's ear? Things don't turn out like they do in porno.

2005-09-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

On my death bed, I'll look into my wife's eyes and say, "I always secretly resented you."

It will be remembered as my greatest joke ever.

2005-09-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you (you answer quite slowly)...

I'M FREAKING OUT! OH SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, WHY DID I DO THAT?